After years of chaos, destruction, and torment, last summer, administrators at Lincoln Pork High School made the decision to move the freshman classes to the third floor. All upperclassmen teachers who previously had classes on the third floor were moved to the second floor, all teachers except math teachers. I spoke to Pork Statistics teacher Mr. Kilometer on how he felt about the move.

“When I first heard the proposal, I was ecstatic that all those little rascals would be contained, but then I found out that the math teachers were going to stay on the third floor. I was less enthusiastic about all the freshmen being in the same place. It has been a calculated nightmare.”

Optimism was high for the beginning of the school year, with hopes that this freshman class would be the best, most well-behaved students Lincoln Pork has ever seen.

Their behavior was as perfect as everyone expected: running through the hallways, screaming outside of classrooms, and just overall disrupting the peace. Surprisingly, the math teachers have been dissatisfied with this show of excellence by the freshman class, and there are talks of mutiny from these teachers.

When discussing the possibility of a math teacher mutiny with Department Chair Beth Gurney she stated, “A mutiny is definitely not out of the equation; we’re gearing up to have someone on duty at all times to run around the hallways, scream outside of classrooms, and just generally
disrupt the students.”

Directing principal Billiam O-O-O’Reilly spoke about the looming threat of a mutiny on the third floor, “I sympathize with those on the third floor. I really do. However, sacrifices had to be made. I asked ChatGBT what the best solution would be and math teachers had to stay on the third floor. I don’t know what the big deal is anyway; I put my wife up on the third floor and she’s been a trooper about it.”

With mutiny on the horizon, and neither side seemingly budging, it is unknown what will unfold, but we at The Bacon will continue to update as the story progresses.